With the Super Bowl coming so soon, it’s inevitable that you may be thrown into the dangerous situation of pretending to know about football. It’s quite an accomplishment that I’ve spent nine years of my life attending weekly football games, three years playing on a flag football team, and a lifetime of sitting in on daily dinner conversations without ever totally understanding the game of football.
However, if you are like me, never fear!
After a lifetime of observing/non-observing, I’ve come up with some Super Bowl guidelines for what my boyfriend calls “Pink Hat Fans.”
1. Come to the Super Bowl party prepared with knowledge on alternative topics you understand: who’s performing at half time, which commercials are supposed to be good, etc.
2. Bring some great food/drinks so that everyone subconsciously decides that your presence is essential while watching football (transitive property).
3. Try not to shush people during the commercials. Surprisingly, you’re not supposed to interrupt the GAME, and the commercials are actually the time to talk and move around.
4. No one is really going to care (or notice) if you are wearing one team’s colors or not. But you will most likely plan out your outfit anyway.
5. Encourage bets on things unrelated to football: the first commercial, how long the National Anthem will take, or, my personal favorite, encourage a Box Pool where you can win money by pure luck.
The tricky part is going to be when people stop talking about your safe topics and start talking about–weird–football. In this situation, I’ve gathered some phrases that you can most definitely get away with and sound knowledgeable:
- Come on, ref!!
- Where’s the flag?
- That was huge!
- They’re losing their legs.
- He’s inconsistent.
- Milk the clock/Run the clock down.
- It all comes down to this.
- This is a HUGE play. (*See “That was huge!”)
- They’re in the red zone.
If you’re not sure who just made a play (or who you should be rooting for), go for the noncommittal “Whew!” or grunt.
Follow these rules, my friends, and everyone will be impressed by your extensive football knowledge. And when in doubt, just ask someone for their opinion–everyone seems to like to show off their football knowledge. For all we know, we could all be Pink Hat Fans…